Meanwhile the South, rising with dabbled wings,
A sable cloud athwart the welkin flings, 
That swilled more liquor than it could contain
And like a drunkard gives it up again. 
Brisk Susan whips her linen from the rope, 
While the first drizzling shower is borne aslope:
Such is that sprinkling which some careless quean 
Flirts on you from her mop, but not so clean. 
You fly, invoke the gods; then turning, stop 
To rail; she singing, still whirls on her mop.
Not yet the dust had shunned th' unequal strife,
But, aided by the wind, fought still for life, 
And wafted with its foe by violent gust, 
'Twas doubtful which was rain and which was dust.
Ah! where must needy poet seek for aid 
When dust and rain at once his coat invade; 
His only coat, where dust confus'd with rain 
Roughen the nap and leave a mingled stain.

     Now from all parts the swelling kennels flow, 
And bear their trophies with them as they go: 
Filth of all hues and odours seem to tell 
What street they sailed from, by their sight and smell. 
They, as each torrent drives, with rapid force 
From Smithfield or St. Pulchre's shape their course 
And in huge confluent join at Snow Hill ridge, 
Fall from the conduit prone to Holborn Bridge. 
Sweepings from butchers stalls, dung, guts, and blood, 
Drowned puppies, stinking sprats, all drenched in mud,
Dead cats and turnip-tops come tumbling down the flood. . 

     Strephon, who found the room was void
And Betty otherwise employed,
Stole in and took a strict survey 
Of all the litter as it lay; 
Whereof, to make the matter clear, 
An inventory follows here.

     And first a dirty smock appeared,
Beneath the arm-pits well besmeared. 
Strephon, the rogue, displayed it wide 
And turned it round on every side. 
On such a point few words are best, 
And Strephon bids us guess the rest;
And swears how damnably the men lie
In calling Celia sweet and cleanly. 
Now listen while he next produces
The various combs for various uses, 
Filled up with dirt so closely fixt, 
No brush could force a way betwixt.
A paste of composition rare, 
Sweat, dandruff, powder, lead and hair; 
A forehead cloth with oil upon't 
To smooth the wrinkles on her front. 
Here alum flower to stop the steams 
Exhaled from sour unsavory streams; 
There night-gloves made of Tripsy's hide, 
Bequeath'd by Tripsy when she died, 
With puppy water, beauty's help,
Distilled from Tripsy's darling whelp; 
Here gallypots and vials placed, 
Some filled with washes, some with paste, 
Some with pomatum, paints and slops, 
And ointments good for scabby chops. 
Hard by a filthy basin stands, 
Fouled with the scouring of her hands; 
The basin takes whatever comes, 
The scrapings of her teeth and gums, 
A nasty compound of all hues, 
For here she spits, and here she spews. 
But oh! it turned poor Strephon's bowels, 
When he beheld and smelt the towels, 
Begummed, besmattered, and beslimed 
With dirt, and sweat, and ear-wax grimed.
No object Strephon's eye escapes: 
Here petticoats in frowzy heaps; 
Nor be the handkerchiefs forgot 
All varnished o'er with snuff and snot. 
The stockings, why should I expose, 
Stained with the marks of stinking toes; 
Or greasy coifs and pinners reeking, 
Which Celia slept at least a week in? 
A pair of tweezers next he found
To pluck her brows in arches round, 
Or hairs that sink the forehead low, 
Or on her chin like bristles grow. 

     The virtues we must not let pass, 
Of Celia's magnifying glass. 
When frighted Strephon cast his eye on't 
It shewed the visage of a giant.
A glass that can to sight disclose 
The smallest worm in Celia's nose,
And faithfully direct her nail 
To squeeze it out from head to tail; 
(For catch it nicely by the head, 
It must come out alive or dead.)

     Why Strephon will you tell the rest? 
And must you needs describe the chest? 
That careless wench! no creature warn her 
To move it out from yonder corner; 

     As mutton cutlets, prime of meat, 
Which, though with art you salt and beat 
As laws of cookery require 
And toast them at the clearest fire, 
If from adown the hopeful chops 
The fat upon the cinder drops, 
To stinking smoke it turns the flame 
Poisoning the flesh from whence it came; 
And up exhales a greasy stench 
For which you curse the careless wench; 
So things which must not be exprest, 
When plumpt into the reeking chest, 
Send up an excremental smell 
To taint the parts from whence they fell, 
The petticoats and gown perfume, 
Which waft a stink round every room. 

     Thus finishing his grand survey, 
Disgusted Strephon stole away 
Repeating in his amorous fits, 
Oh! Celia, Celia, Celia shits!

     But vengeance, Goddess never sleeping, 
Soon punished Strephon for his peeping: 
His foul Imagination links 
Each dame he see with all her stinks; 
And, if unsavory odors fly, 
Conceives a lady standing by. 
All women his description fits, 
And both ideas jump like wits
By vicious fancy coupled fast, 
And still appearing in contrast. 

     I pity wretched Strephon blind
To all the charms of female kind.
Should I the Queen of Love refuse
Because she rose from stinking ooze? 
To him that looks behind the scene 
Satira's but some pocky queen.
When Celia in her glory shows,
If Strephon would but stop his nose
(Who now so impiously blasphemes
Her ointments, daubs, and paints and creams, 
Her washes, slops, and every clout 
With which he makes so foul a rout), 
He soon would learn to think like me
And bless his ravished sight to see 
Such order from confusion sprung,
Such gaudy tulips raised from dung. .

A MODEST PROPOSAL

FOR PREVENTING THE CHILDREN OF POOR PEOPLE IN IRELAND FROM BEING A BURDEN TO THEIR PARENTS OR COUNTRY, AND FOR MAKING THEM BENEFICIAL TO THE PUBLIC

By Jonathan Swift, 1729

 I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.

 But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of professed beggars; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age who are born of parents in effect as little able to support them as those who demand our charity in the streets.

 As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, a child just dropped from its dam may be supported by her milk for a solar year, with little other nourishment; at most not above the value of 2s., which the mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of begging; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon their parents or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing, of many thousands.

 There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! sacrificing the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.

 The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couple whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract thirty thousand couples who are able to maintain their own children, although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or disease within the year. There only remains one hundred and twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and provided for, which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses (I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at six years old, except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time, they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.

 I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl before twelve years old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half-a-crown at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at least four times that value.

 I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

 I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

 I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

 I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, increaseth to 28 pounds.

 I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.

 Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolific diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about nine months after Lent than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of popish infants is at least three to one in this kingdom: and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of papists among us.

 I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in which list I reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths of the farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend or his own family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord, and grow popular among his tenants; the mother will have eight shillings net profit, and be fit for work till she produces another child.

 Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.

 As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the children alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.

 A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived that the want of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes in every country being now ready to starve for want of work and service; and these to be disposed of by their parents, if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my American acquaintance assured me, from frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable; and to fatten them would not answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission be a loss to the public, because they soon would become breeders themselves; and besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice (although indeed very unjustly), as a little bordering upon cruelty; which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against any project, however so well intended.

 But in order to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was put into his head by the famous Psalmanazar, a native of the island Formosa, who came from thence to London above twenty years ago, and in conversation told my friend, that in his country when any young person happened to be put to death, the executioner sold the carcass to persons of quality as a prime dainty; and that in his time the body of a plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an attempt to poison the emperor, was sold to his imperial majesty's prime minister of state, and other great mandarins of the court, in joints from the gibbet, at four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the same use were made of several plump young girls in this town, who without one single groat to their fortunes cannot stir abroad without a chair, and appear at playhouse and assemblies in foreign fineries which they never will pay for, the kingdom would not be the worse.

 Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed, and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken to ease the nation of so grievous an encumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they are every day dying and rotting by cold and famine, and filth and vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the young laborers, they are now in as hopeful a condition; they cannot get work, and consequently pine away for want of nourishment, to a degree that if at any time they are accidentally hired to common labor, they have not strength to perform it; and thus the country and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come.

 I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.

 For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of papists, with whom we are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders of the nation as well as our most dangerous enemies; and who stay at home on purpose with a design to deliver the kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take their advantage by the absence of so many good protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their country than stay at home and pay tithes against their conscience to an episcopal curate.

 Secondly, The poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own, which by law may be made liable to distress and help to pay their landlord's rent, their corn and cattle being already seized, and money a thing unknown.

 Thirdly, Whereas the maintenance of an hundred thousand children, from two years old and upward, cannot be computed at less than ten shillings a-piece per annum, the nation's stock will be thereby increased fifty thousand pounds per annum, beside the profit of a new dish introduced to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom who have any refinement in taste. And the money will circulate among ourselves, the goods being entirely of our own growth and manufacture.

 Fourthly, The constant breeders, beside the gain of eight shillings sterling per annum by the sale of their children, will be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first year.

 Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to taverns; where the vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best receipts for dressing it to perfection, and consequently have their houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating: and a skilful cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they please.

 Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise nations have either encouraged by rewards or enforced by laws and penalties. It would increase the care and tenderness of mothers toward their children, when they were sure of a settlement for life to the poor babes, provided in some sort by the public, to their annual profit instead of expense. We should see an honest emulation among the married women, which of them could bring the fattest child to the market. Men would become as fond of their wives during the time of their pregnancy as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, their sows when they are ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them (as is too frequent a practice) for fear of a miscarriage.

 Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition of some thousand carcasses in our exportation of barreled beef, the propagation of swine's flesh, and improvement in the art of making good bacon, so much wanted among us by the great destruction of pigs, too frequent at our tables; which are no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a well-grown, fat, yearling child, which roasted whole will make a considerable figure at a lord mayor's feast or any other public entertainment. But this and many others I omit, being studious of brevity. 

 I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I have no children by which I can propose to get a single penny; the youngest being nine years old, and my wife past child-bearing.